btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
