Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
