I hate your face
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
