You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dick very happy bro
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize