How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
