oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
