We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
