If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
