I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
