my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
