I must be too annoying 4 u.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize