wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I smell stomach acid.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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