So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I AM VODKA MAN
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
