you have to choose: penises or morals?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
