bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
