I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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