Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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