You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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