Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
