I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
