apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
