she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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