Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize