Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Please, let me fuck your mom
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
