I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
