she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
