you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Randomize
