I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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