A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Randomize
