i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I have post one night stand depression
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