I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
