I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
