I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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