Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize