I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize