i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
