Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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