Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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