Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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