a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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