and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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