worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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