I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
