So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
