new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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