I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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