I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I checked into jail on foursquare
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
