i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
