Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Sober January is a disaster.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
