i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
