You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
