i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
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