I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
