i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
